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Writing Blog 2

How To Catch A Woman

Roderick Campbell

by Janne Robinson

To catch a woman, by her throat, you will first need dark Italian espresso.

This is not an option—it is a necessity.

Then you will need pasta, pasta that is made with presence.

Lasagna that takes eight beautiful hours to prepare and make.

Not pasta made while checking emails, making lunch, doing laundry, talking on the phone—no, no. You will need pasta that is made with all of you present in the basil, the mozzeralla, the tomatos and azucar.

There must be love, and yes it sounds cliché and shit—but love in the pasta is the most important bit.

If we think of Masaru Emoto, and his claims of the effects certain positive energies and vibrations can have on water—why not the same for our food?

After you have drowned the pasta in love put on something romantic, music that dances and bends and plays throughout the house effortlessly.

Romance is not dead, and if water molecules are wooed by Mozart, so should lasagna and pretty women.

Then you will need to sit down, right down, on the floor—we should all sit on the floor once a day, for then we can feel the earth beneath us and ground deeply.

She would like red, soft cushions, painted like lips and candle wax dripping on glass bottles—light flickering softly upon cheeks and dancing upon walls.

With the lasagna there should be rich, cherry wine, wine that has lived and breathed, stayed up late speaking to the moon and woken up early to catch the sun and then spent years of introspection. Wine that is here to be savored, to be poured into heaping round glasses that could very easily hold the entire world inside.

Glasses that can be swirled and swished as hands wave dramatically under the full moon as the souls lips move closer and closer.

And before the wine, and the lasagna and the coffee—remember to honor her time.

If you set a date, keep the date. Show up on time, pick her up, and open the door—if she say’s no, let it be. But do these things—for beneath all of it is not that she is incapable or unable, it is simply that you are saying, “I care about you.”

Care enough to be on time. If you are on time it will communicate that you value her time, and your own word.

That you understand the importance of accountability—and that you are ready to show up for another heart.

That you are equipped to take care of her.

If you are walking, walk on the outside. I could tell you why, but you already know and so do I and sometimes we need less why’s and more doing. Less asking and more knowing.

Know that if you truly want to catch a woman that her time, just as yours, is precious.

That is why you will leave your phone away, tonight.

For if you are buried in your phone, you cannot be buried in her eyes, her stories, the way the fiddles with her ring when she feels uncomfortable.

If you want to catch a woman you will know that biting into her juicy, fleshy heart before her thighs will make loving deeper later.

Love the way her wrist dances as she laughs loudly and lets her body be a vessel for her experiences.

Love the way her eyes flicker green, then grey then blue.

Love the way she takes her hair up and down and up and down again, nervously.

Love the way she opens, slowly, to you.

Love the way she closes her eyes and falls back when she hears the piano begin to dance.

Savor the way her eyes wrinkle when she laughs with her whole soul.

Love the way she shuts her eyes, while she eats.

If you wish to catch a woman, know you must not expect her to fill any voids in your heart.

You must be whole.

Perhaps “whole” sounds lofty, because we never truly know ourselves as even when we are standing, the earth is moving.

But we must know that her heart cannot fill, only add to the brilliance and joy already there–waiting to be shared.

When there is love, eventually—play her legs like a harp.

Kiss each web, curve and corner of her body.

Our bodies are a gift, and when we make love we should remember to drink the hips, lips and thighs of our lovers, hungrily, unabashedly.

To catch a woman you must taste all of her—you must not be afraid to spend hours discovering how to bring her pleasure.

You must see love making as a commitment to her soul.

Each kiss, an “I choose you.”

There should be clothing strung along banisters, thrown on the floor.

There should be condom wrappers next to empty water glasses and stained red lips from wine.

There should be heat and sweat and tired, aching bodies.

There should be two arms that pull her close throughout the night, even though she claims to hate cuddling while she sleeps.

Pull her in, bury your face in her hair and breathe deeply upon her neck.

Don’t let her get away, keep her here, by your heart.

To catch a woman, do not rush from her side at first light.

Unless, you are making rich, dark italian coffee and if so—rush back quickly so she wakes to a full bed and heaven wafting in her nostrils.

If you wish to catch a woman, listen—listen to all that she says.

Know how she likes her coffee in the morning. Know how she takes her eggs.

We sometimes lack the care to exit something with as much grace as we entered.

Do not let go of the moment when the sun breaks.

Fall into the day with her, and let her know that how we do one thing, is how we do all things.

And the one thing you intend on doing is loving her with all your might—till you sweat, and your strong hands shake.